If you’re reading this website, chances are you see movies on a regular basis, have at least been to a movie theater at least once in your life, or in any case came here to tell me I am responsible for the Bush presidency because I don’t like psychotic fans.

But we’re going to go ahead and assume you’re a regular movie goer. That being the case, I felt it might be useful to post a guide to what you can expect from your fellow homo sapiens at the average movie theater complex. Think of it as a bestiary if that helps. Listed below are some common archetypes you’re likely to encounter and possible motivations for their actions. I’ve done this sort of thing before, but I felt I should update the material and perhaps remove the suggested acts of violence. Assistance in development of some of these archetypes goes to Joe Cucinotti. Others are credited accordingly.

Without further ado…

ARCHETYPE: THE MOVIE DETECTIVE
BEHAVIOR: Unclear on the concept that movies are an audio-visual medium and not everything needs to be explicitly said to be understood, the Movie Detective feels the need to state out loud every connection and revelation that is not expressly stated by one of the characters. Often he feels this makes him very smart. He is wrong.

ARCHETYPE: MR. DONKEY LAUGH
BEHAVIOR: Mr. Donkey Laugh simply cannot laugh at normal decibel levels. His laugh is in fact so piercing, so unique, and occurs with such frequency that anticipating its next explosion supplants the actual movie in your mind, until you wait, cowered in your seat, like a London resident during the Blitz. Mr. Donkey Laugh in fact makes it harder to laugh at genuinely funny segments in a movie. When combined with THE CHUCKLEHEAD, the effects can be fatal.

ARCHETYPE: TEXTY McCELLPHONE
BEHAVIOR: Because we live in an age where it is apparently impossible to sit still and concentrate for 90 minutes, Texty McCellphone has no compunctions about whipping out their little LED leash to see what pearls of wisdom were cast to her by her friends, and so that she can respond in kind with wit that would no doubt make Oscar Wilde burn with envy. Fun fact: nothing anyone has typed with their thumbs has ever been important.

ARCHETYPE: THE CHUCKLEHEAD
BEHAVIOR: Everything is funny to the Chucklehead. Absolutely everything. Any trace of mirth whatsoever, no matter how slight, is met with uproarious or inappropriate laughter. This is not limited to comedies. One need only step into a genuinely tense thriller or horror movie to see the Chucklehead in action, as he laughs through tensely quiet moments, giggles at serious dialogue, and guffaws when sudden violence kills a sympathetic character. The Chucklehead is one of the leading arguments for state-sponsored, or at least state-sanctioned, euthanasia.

ARCHETYPE: THE ADOLESCENT HERD
BEHAVIOR: The Adolescent Herd is, as the name suggests, a group of people rather than a single person or duo. Despite their numbers, they move as one mind in a movie theater, spreading and metastisizing at random. Some members will sit with others and then, thirty minutes into the movie, get up and sit with others across the theater to chat for awhile before moving on to a new hive. They never, ever walk quietly; more often, they are prone to loud stomping jogs.

ARCHETYPE: THE WORST PARENTS ON EARTH
BEHAVIOR: “What two year old WOULDN’T love the 10:15 PM showing of Ocean’s 13?”
Credit to: Benjamin Birdie

ARCHETYPE: BEER BOTTLE BOWLERS
BEHAVIOR: The punk kids who bring beer into the theater, sit in the back, and then halfway through the movie knock an empty bottle over. The bottle then slowly, noisily rolls down the entire length of the theater, bouncing off chairs until it comes to a stop five minutes later. Sometimes they find this amusing.
Credit to: Dave Campbell

ARCHETYPE: THE PREVIEW JUDGE
BEHAVIOR: The fuckwit who loudly passes judgement on every trailer. “That looks stupid.” Dude, we don’t care if your Skoal-chewing backwards-hat wearing ass is going to go see the new Natalie Portman movie or not.
Credit to: Dave Campbell

ARCHETYPE: THE INTERROGATOR
BEHAVIOR: “Who is that? Why’d he do that? Do they know each other? What’s that for?” every single thing that happens on screen is the prompt for a question, usually something that would be answered if you would just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WATCH THE MOVIE!
Credit to: Dorian Wright

ARCHETYPE: The Star Gazer
BEHAVIOR: You get to the theater. You find your seats. You turn to your date or friend and tell them “Hey, I’m going to get some snacks. Want anything?” You go get said refreshments only to return as the movie is beginning and find that you’ve FORGOTTEN where you were sitting. Instead of actively LOOKING for your spot by climbing the stairs and maybe retracing your steps, you instead stand at the front of the theater and uncomfortably stare at the patrons.
Credit to: Joe Cucinotti

ARCHETYPE: Punctually Impaired
BEHAVIOR: Closely related to the Star Gazer. This is the guy or chick who will walk into the auditorium about 7 minutes into the movie. They may even display traits of the Star Gazer as they try to determine where they will sit. Meanwhile, the entire audience has been dragged kicking and screaming out of the illusion of the flick and are now counting the minutes till these A-holes finally park it somewhere.
Credit to: Joe Cucinotti

ARCHETYPE: The Koffee Klatschers
BEHAVIOR: They’ve have spent 27 dollars on tickets and refreshments for one purpose only. To have a conversation during the film. Why go to a diner, pub or coffee house when you can be forced to talk over the volume of a movie and send your fellow movie patrons into murderous rages?
Credit to: Jonathan Lapper

ARCHETYPE: The Back of His Head Narcissist
BEHAVIOR: This guy thinks the back of his head is so extraordinarily beautiful that everyone should see it. That’s why even when it’s just you in the theatre and there are 399 other seats available, he chooses the one in front of you.
Credit to: Jonathan Lapper

Suggestions for the list are of course welcome. Put them in Comments.